12 step blog time!

12 step blog time!

I am bringing this bad boy back! Yes, I do believe I just called my blog a "bad boy".

So, a couple weeks ago. I started this book called "The Artists Way" in search for myself or my inner artist. I started this with just listening to the audio book in the car on my way to and from work generally. This book kind of was brought to my attention by an author who wanted to find her artist. Feeling desperate for self expression and to find a career in what I love to do, I picked up the book and figured "What the hey!".

The book starts you out by having you write daily morning pages. Three pages a day, and the purpose of them done in the morning is you're closer to subconsciousness. What you end up writing down is everything and anything that pops up in your mind at the time. Your morning pages is basically, your mind word vomiting onto paper. The paper doesn't judge and nobody is meant to read them.
I find myself kind of censoring myself a little. I have come accustomed to editing/censoring my life on the internet that it now shows in my daily pages. So, one of many things to work on. Morning pages help you pick out the things that need to be fixed and are bothering you. I am interested in what my mind has to say that I am not already catching in the waking life. Kind of like when people point out what has always been there but you are to blind sighted to see.

Another thing this book has you do is "Artist Dates". That's right! You take yourself out the same time once a week for a couple of hours and do something just for yourself. This I can completely get behind. I honestly miss Liz time, time to woo her back to the surface. I have been to caught up in trying to make others feel good or what others are doing, as well as, trying to keep my apartment in order and find a job! Never feels like there is enough time for myself, but that all is going to change.

In the first week of this twelve step, the author has you do a weekly check in of sorts where you ask yourself questions that matter to the whole process. I am currently in week 3 of this but since I wanted to post on here the progress and kind of set in stone what I have learned. I know I will be looking back for reference.
So, for week one she has you write twenty things you give yourself permission for. Here are mine.

1. I give myself permission to be the Liz I need to be.
2. I give myself permission to try again.
3. I give myself permission to be imperfect.
4. I give myself permission to play.
5. I give myself permission to dress more like a girl.
6. I give myself permission to ask for help.
7. I give myself permission to listen to music loud as loud as I need.
8. I give myself permission to be successful.
9. I give myself permission to be happy.
10. I give myself permission to dance!

11. I give myself permission to travel.
12. I give myself permission to ignore naysayers.
13. I give myself permission to create.
14. I give myself permission to relax a little more.
15. I give myself permission to say no to people sometime.
16. I give myself permission to stand up for myself.
17. I give myself permission to make mistakes.
18. I give myself permission to have more time to myself.
19. I give myself permission to get lost.
20. I give myself permission to accept the possibilities of the future but live for now.


Whew! That was tough! I will be back to post for week two later this week for sure. I think for now, I deserve a little bit of time on Pintrest.

In search of the real Liz

In search of the real Liz

Trying to get back in the swing of blogging. Honestly, I have 2 types of photo blogs, plus my own website that I would like to use more frequently with my DSLR photography.
Last year starting about late August, things got really rough and I ended up in deep waters only knowing how to tread water. Then came a storm, turbulent and uncertain for sure, finding my way back to shallow water has been the theme of this year. I made a promise to myself that I would live for now, (kind of like when you were a kid) and not worry to much about the future. Not saying I am not thinking about it at all would be false, but I can't control what may come, because after the year I have had, where one setback lead to 3 more. You're blinded by those moments you didn't anticipate and your whole look out becomes a bit derailed. I think life wanted to teach me something for sure. I learned to laugh at my misfortune and not let it get the best of me, because really I don't have it bad considering most of the world. Life is pretty ok. I wake up workout, eat, look for jobs, run some errands if needed be, and read. Rough life, right?
Well, the part that gets to me the most is, not knowing my main drive for a career is. It truly bugs me! I know I have a lot of hard work to do, but where to do I direct this energy to? A few of my friends have found luck in video games and enjoy their jobs. I want to feel like I am not really working, but enjoying what I am doing for a living. So I have a few ideas.... First off, I love audio visual. Ever since the first play I helped produce and manage, to making the sound coming out of the speakers sound like real care was put into it, I have loved working in that industry. I never felt bored, never had to sit in front a computer for hours and hours on end, and when it ran late, I never batted an eye. It showed in my passion for sure. Then after high school, I went to college for a brief moment and ended up failing my first semester. A lot of it had to do with just being a kid who wasn't focused and a teacher who didn't seem to think females could really hack it. I pulled away for a little bit got caught up in the flow of life and ended up with odd and end type jobs. Finally went back to school, ran out of college help and ended up getting my certificate in Television and video editing, with working experience in radio. One thing is certain, working for television wasn't going to be my thing, at least not news. That's where that stopped and then I introduced radio as an option. I only thought I could do radio because I was almost sure I would probably live in the Springs for a very long time. I did a few internships. One of them went sour and the other ended abruptly. Then I got to thinking, perhaps I am not made for radio.
I did have a long time gig as a Disc Jockey at a local night club. It didn't make enough money for me to live on by all means, but I did have fun and it didn't feel like much of a job at all. Some where around this point is when I got a job in a photography studio and learned a lot about family portraits. With some encouragement from my friends, I ended up practicing photography beyond a small studio. The passion grew and I always just considered it a hobby, but it then grew into a few side gigs here and there, and it helped me land a job with a huge online travel company, editing photos. I moved from Springs, and lost my contacts. It's really hard to try to reestablish yourself in a new city. I ended up with a crummy job and enough frustration that I went back to school, but this time for reals. I looked for placed close by, not that expensive, and was close enough to audio visual, photography, radio television as possible. The place I ended up going to only just taught me how to use the programs. There was a few rare classes that really made me dig deep down and find more about myself. I ended up with an Associates of Science in Web and Video Production.
Another thing I know for sure, I do not like coding. Not a big fan of building websites.
I have tried since college to land jobs in photo related fields, video related fields, and graphic design. One thing I seem to keep asking myself, "Am I really a graphic designer?". The answer to that question is, No. Not really. I do like to help people fix graphics and prepair them for web or print, but creating this vision from scratch... Some days I got it, most other days not so much.
Now with unemployment funds almost not cutting it anymore and depleting, I find myself asking myself more and more... where do I fit in and belong? Should I go back to square one? What type of job can I create for myself?

I just turned 30 this last week and I can say, 30 feels fine! Way better then 29 for sure. I am feeling a turning point for sure, not just because of the age, but I feel I am getting closer to what I need to be doing.
This year one particular animal has been showing up a lot in the last few weeks and that is an octopus. Perhaps a sign, a guide, connection... whatever the case maybe, it's worth noting to me.
Hopefully after this trip to Wisconsin, since the place I will be staying doesn't have much going on in the town, maybe it will help clear and calm my waters. With any luck, I can get back to shore, find a boat and set sail. (Had to finish the analogy)