12 step blog time!

I am bringing this bad boy back! Yes, I do believe I just called my blog a "bad boy".

So, a couple weeks ago. I started this book called "The Artists Way" in search for myself or my inner artist. I started this with just listening to the audio book in the car on my way to and from work generally. This book kind of was brought to my attention by an author who wanted to find her artist. Feeling desperate for self expression and to find a career in what I love to do, I picked up the book and figured "What the hey!".

The book starts you out by having you write daily morning pages. Three pages a day, and the purpose of them done in the morning is you're closer to subconsciousness. What you end up writing down is everything and anything that pops up in your mind at the time. Your morning pages is basically, your mind word vomiting onto paper. The paper doesn't judge and nobody is meant to read them.
I find myself kind of censoring myself a little. I have come accustomed to editing/censoring my life on the internet that it now shows in my daily pages. So, one of many things to work on. Morning pages help you pick out the things that need to be fixed and are bothering you. I am interested in what my mind has to say that I am not already catching in the waking life. Kind of like when people point out what has always been there but you are to blind sighted to see.

Another thing this book has you do is "Artist Dates". That's right! You take yourself out the same time once a week for a couple of hours and do something just for yourself. This I can completely get behind. I honestly miss Liz time, time to woo her back to the surface. I have been to caught up in trying to make others feel good or what others are doing, as well as, trying to keep my apartment in order and find a job! Never feels like there is enough time for myself, but that all is going to change.

In the first week of this twelve step, the author has you do a weekly check in of sorts where you ask yourself questions that matter to the whole process. I am currently in week 3 of this but since I wanted to post on here the progress and kind of set in stone what I have learned. I know I will be looking back for reference.
So, for week one she has you write twenty things you give yourself permission for. Here are mine.

1. I give myself permission to be the Liz I need to be.
2. I give myself permission to try again.
3. I give myself permission to be imperfect.
4. I give myself permission to play.
5. I give myself permission to dress more like a girl.
6. I give myself permission to ask for help.
7. I give myself permission to listen to music loud as loud as I need.
8. I give myself permission to be successful.
9. I give myself permission to be happy.
10. I give myself permission to dance!

11. I give myself permission to travel.
12. I give myself permission to ignore naysayers.
13. I give myself permission to create.
14. I give myself permission to relax a little more.
15. I give myself permission to say no to people sometime.
16. I give myself permission to stand up for myself.
17. I give myself permission to make mistakes.
18. I give myself permission to have more time to myself.
19. I give myself permission to get lost.
20. I give myself permission to accept the possibilities of the future but live for now.


Whew! That was tough! I will be back to post for week two later this week for sure. I think for now, I deserve a little bit of time on Pintrest.

In search of the real Liz

Trying to get back in the swing of blogging. Honestly, I have 2 types of photo blogs, plus my own website that I would like to use more frequently with my DSLR photography.
Last year starting about late August, things got really rough and I ended up in deep waters only knowing how to tread water. Then came a storm, turbulent and uncertain for sure, finding my way back to shallow water has been the theme of this year. I made a promise to myself that I would live for now, (kind of like when you were a kid) and not worry to much about the future. Not saying I am not thinking about it at all would be false, but I can't control what may come, because after the year I have had, where one setback lead to 3 more. You're blinded by those moments you didn't anticipate and your whole look out becomes a bit derailed. I think life wanted to teach me something for sure. I learned to laugh at my misfortune and not let it get the best of me, because really I don't have it bad considering most of the world. Life is pretty ok. I wake up workout, eat, look for jobs, run some errands if needed be, and read. Rough life, right?
Well, the part that gets to me the most is, not knowing my main drive for a career is. It truly bugs me! I know I have a lot of hard work to do, but where to do I direct this energy to? A few of my friends have found luck in video games and enjoy their jobs. I want to feel like I am not really working, but enjoying what I am doing for a living. So I have a few ideas.... First off, I love audio visual. Ever since the first play I helped produce and manage, to making the sound coming out of the speakers sound like real care was put into it, I have loved working in that industry. I never felt bored, never had to sit in front a computer for hours and hours on end, and when it ran late, I never batted an eye. It showed in my passion for sure. Then after high school, I went to college for a brief moment and ended up failing my first semester. A lot of it had to do with just being a kid who wasn't focused and a teacher who didn't seem to think females could really hack it. I pulled away for a little bit got caught up in the flow of life and ended up with odd and end type jobs. Finally went back to school, ran out of college help and ended up getting my certificate in Television and video editing, with working experience in radio. One thing is certain, working for television wasn't going to be my thing, at least not news. That's where that stopped and then I introduced radio as an option. I only thought I could do radio because I was almost sure I would probably live in the Springs for a very long time. I did a few internships. One of them went sour and the other ended abruptly. Then I got to thinking, perhaps I am not made for radio.
I did have a long time gig as a Disc Jockey at a local night club. It didn't make enough money for me to live on by all means, but I did have fun and it didn't feel like much of a job at all. Some where around this point is when I got a job in a photography studio and learned a lot about family portraits. With some encouragement from my friends, I ended up practicing photography beyond a small studio. The passion grew and I always just considered it a hobby, but it then grew into a few side gigs here and there, and it helped me land a job with a huge online travel company, editing photos. I moved from Springs, and lost my contacts. It's really hard to try to reestablish yourself in a new city. I ended up with a crummy job and enough frustration that I went back to school, but this time for reals. I looked for placed close by, not that expensive, and was close enough to audio visual, photography, radio television as possible. The place I ended up going to only just taught me how to use the programs. There was a few rare classes that really made me dig deep down and find more about myself. I ended up with an Associates of Science in Web and Video Production.
Another thing I know for sure, I do not like coding. Not a big fan of building websites.
I have tried since college to land jobs in photo related fields, video related fields, and graphic design. One thing I seem to keep asking myself, "Am I really a graphic designer?". The answer to that question is, No. Not really. I do like to help people fix graphics and prepair them for web or print, but creating this vision from scratch... Some days I got it, most other days not so much.
Now with unemployment funds almost not cutting it anymore and depleting, I find myself asking myself more and more... where do I fit in and belong? Should I go back to square one? What type of job can I create for myself?

I just turned 30 this last week and I can say, 30 feels fine! Way better then 29 for sure. I am feeling a turning point for sure, not just because of the age, but I feel I am getting closer to what I need to be doing.
This year one particular animal has been showing up a lot in the last few weeks and that is an octopus. Perhaps a sign, a guide, connection... whatever the case maybe, it's worth noting to me.
Hopefully after this trip to Wisconsin, since the place I will be staying doesn't have much going on in the town, maybe it will help clear and calm my waters. With any luck, I can get back to shore, find a boat and set sail. (Had to finish the analogy)

I haven't forgot about you blog!

I haven't forgotten about you my dearest bloggy! 

In the days since I last left you, I have been adjusting to working life. It started out with like a dream, with a corner office with LOTS of windows, not to bright, and a place where it was ok to laugh and adjust your desk to standing whenever the mood fancied you to do so. Then they moved my co-worker and I to a small meeting room with about 20 other contractors. I am still in the corner but I lack the windows and my desk in now a table about a foot wide and 3 feet in length, I still WAY to close to the monitors and the florescent lights are awful. I no longer have windows, I sit right under the air duct which is usually always cold. Worst of it all, all the people in the room prefer to have a constant quiet in the room, so I work in a stale quiet room and laughing is frowned upon.

I still love my job and my co-worker has now become my "partner in crime", she definitely has made that room tolerable for now and of course, we're looking for ways out of that room! I am very happy and thankful for landing this job and having one awesome co-worker. When the two of us are together in the room, we act like two kids in high school (in the good way). We giggle at the photos we correct, we make crass remarks via IM on topics we miss heard about. Now, a person in the room we and made a noise complaint to our manager. When our manger emailed us about it, I was kind of floored, aren't we all adults now? 

Now, to me the room feels like a morgue; it's cold like one, whenever I leave the room and come back I get awful looks, and it's so quiet. I definitely liked it better when I was permitted to laugh a little and I looked forward to coming. Don't get me wrong, I still look forward to this job and seeing my "partner in crime".

So, while adjusting to work, I ended up getting sick for a week and fully recovering in two weeks time.

I get off of work and I have been a zombie. I don't want to look at my computer or do anything accept sleep.

That needs to change! For one, I need to continue to learn After Effects, 3ds Max, and Japanese. I also need to work on having a workout regiment back in my schedule.  I haven't lost any significant weight while eating well and working out, but it does help with my sleep and my mood. Plus, I still really really really want to lose weight and have energy, I mean I sit all day... I need to do something!

I have been having problems with coping with life right now. I have been trying to figure out what I can do to fix this situation. I currently feel like I don't want to be an adult anymore. I feel caged in and kind of hopeless at times. I am trying so hard not to despair but owing so much money and not being able to have some freedoms. My heart is telling me there is something wonderful and great that will happen for me, but I seem to  keep losing my way from time to time. It is definitely hard to hear your heart when everyone around you is shouting for their claims. I also feel like my friends are on a whole different plain then I. I don't really get to see them much anymore, life just happens and our paths don't cross as often as I would like.

Today, while I was out and about. I thought about just running and hiding in the trees and meditating for a bit, Listening to the trees and wildlife. Sadly, I didn't do that today. When I got home in hopes of meditating of sorts, I find that I can't really connect here, although I live here and pay rent and what not, I am not feeling connected enough to just Zen out. Instead I feel lost and alone in this town home, trying to seek out other ways to occupy my mind. 

Yesterday my parents left. They were only here briefly, I feel I haven't really got the chance to spend real time with them. Sure I took them to places and what not but I didn't feel like we got enough time together. This upset me as they left for Colorado yesterday. I am however very thankful and happy that they came out to see me for that brief moment, just wish it was longer and filled with more laughter and joy.

I decided not to walk at my graduation. I am very proud of what I have done and so is my mister, but shelling out money for a gown, honor cords, and missing work just for a walk. I think just having a good dinner with my mister will make me feel just as accomplished.

I think I am done blabbing for now. Everything else is just pointless rantings like; I think I like my phone... It has a better camera on it then my Digital SLR and I found a dress with pockets!

Ahoy Light!

Yesterday, I experienced some anxiety just before going to fill out orientation paper work for my new job. It hit me like a ton of bricks!! I never had to deal with anxiety before I met Rite Aid; true story! As I was working through my stress I realized; I don't want to disappoint this new job. Just like Pokemon, I want to be the very best! I also realized, this is my first 40 hour; Monday- Friday; most I have been paid yet job! I am used to being part-time or varied, doing retail, and being kicked around. Even when I worked in a portrait studio, it was some grueling hard work! In my history of retail; I have been, under paid, yelled at, had things thrown at me, been abandoned by co-workers, thrown to the wolves, taken advantage of, climbed on, worked on hands and knees, bent over backwards. The good side is; I have got to encounter and endure all walks of life, I have a better appreciation towards how to act towards people and how to be treated, I have a thicker skin, a few people have warmed my heart and made me appreciate more things. Finally, through years and years of retail to fall back on to, one day was just when I had enough and decided to get a degree. Now, I understand this all sounds so winded, but I am getting to the point! I had an attack because, I am totally done with retail and wish nothing more then to work at a job, doing something that has to deal with the visual arts. I have found that job, and from the sounds of it, she really liked me enough that she didn't need a second interview! I am a little afraid and excited to start my new career path, I just don't want to mess this up. Kind of like a "Don't pinch me, I am dreaming" thing. I am still a little in shock, once am physically there and working, I am sure I will start to feel a little more normal.

So, if you couldn't tell. I got a job with Expedia/Hotels.com as a Media Producer. I will be editing photos of hotels and such for their sites, along with batch filing amongst others photo needs. I will not be creative, I am just the person who does the work as needed. I am totally OK with that. Kind of like an assembly line for photos. When the job opened up last Wednesday, my recruiter called me ASAP and we went over my resume with a fine comb. My resume was sent out and within 3 hours, I got a call for an interview for the same day. The interview went well, she asked questions on what I used Photoshop for and if I used Bridge. The interview was done in 10 mins and over the phone, she also told me how much she liked my resume and how I have a lot of experience and sounded excited. After the call, I emailed my recruiter about how I thought the interview went. Ten mins later he called to tell me that the interview must have went well because they cancelled all the rest of the interviews and would like to offer me the position. I got goosebumps when I heard  the news! Now I am waiting on the background check...

I also have finally accomplished my AAS degree in Web and Video! Feels pretty good! I would like to get my BS or BA as well, but I would like a little assistance if it's available. LWTC was something else. I was a great experience and I graduate with honors! My only real qualm is that I didn't feel as challenged in certain classes. A few of my classes that encouraged free thinking like, my painting class and motion graphics class, I felt challenged to come up with ideas and apply them to what needed to be done. Most of my classes just felt like silly busy work. I know busy work is all part of school but I believe problem solving and exploring were more essential.
To celebrate, I might have to have a themed party! I wanted to wait until after I got a job because then I was more likely to enjoy it. I was thinking of having a kung-fu party, where we watch Bruce Lee films and eat Chinese food and have to kind of dress up! Or a mad scientist party! Hmmmm

I think that's all my brain wish to report for now. I think I am going to go do some yoga and window shopping.

March Inspirations

I <3 Tea. I actually found this tea shop in February, but went back in March for more! Tea has definitely helped me get through this March! So Cheers!

I found some awesome cube art craft stuff! I am so glad my printer is upstairs or else I would be making these all day!

This video was made with NO budget, NO time, and up here in the Seattle area! This guys video is pretty damn awesome and it definitely inspires me to make more videos; once I get a Canon 5d or a 7d. 

I <3 space! I have been thinking and reflecting a lot on Space as of late. I can't help but think, every time I look up into the vast darkness of Space, I am awe struck. 

This is awesome shadow work.

And lastly! This guy! Danbo! I super <3 this thing! I want one just so we can make sweet sweet photography together! Sad... they are not cheep and it seems like you can only get him off of ebay.

http://www.cubeecraft.com/

February Inspire

I meant to do this last night while it was February, but today is a good day.
So without further ado, here are some things that inspired me in February.

An awesome park.


Awesome photo blog site, that makes me want to photo blog more.

I ran upon Chococat Cookies! And I also discovered their website where you can see all sorts of cool baking creations.


I want to fold this!


I have a watch fetish. (Sometimes) I enjoy really cool and different watches and I happened to find this gem, while looking for led watches.

And here is 2 really cool Animation schools in the far of land of Europe. One is in Denmark other is France.

It's that time again! Time to make a bloggie bloggy on my blog at blogger.

As of February 2nd I have been implementing more Feng Shui techniques in my home to increase my money flow. I figure right now, why not. I don't really have anything to lose. Some of the techniques, however, cost WAY to much money and I am unable to do them, but I have been able to do a few. So far I have been a little more positive on my outlook. I have been able to just focus on the now and do what I need to do now, for a more prosperous future. Small things to take note on. I did get an interview for a design job! I haven't heard anything back from the job, but the fact someone took time to give me an interview makes me feel like I am getting peoples attention! Slowly but surely. A few other things to note on, I actually got my last check from the yoga place. I was very unsure they would pay me or not, and I got a great surprise about my tax return. So little things are adding up and making me take more notice. So I am glad chi is flowing.

A dear friend of mine passed away on the 31st of January. Juan Francisco Marine. He was someone that even through-out the years and the months of no talking, he would check up to see how I was doing. He would check up on me from time to time, always making sure I was in good spirits, that the man in my life is doing right by me, and keep me updated about his life. I will remember the times I did spend with him while I was in CO. I would pick him up, we would go for a drive and just talk, watch some anime, he would give me a back massage (He was really good at these! One of the best!). Juan tried to IM me a while back. I was busy, but I always left his screen name up on my ipod messenger in hopes that I would catch him online at the right time...... Knowing he won't ever.. really chokes me up and gets me teary eyed. This little ritual had come to an end. The night I found out about his death, I looked at my ipod and lost it.
Juan died of pneumonia. He was my age. He was to way to young. A friend said he was in the hospital and was getting better and now think it might have been a blood clot in his lungs, that did him in.
Juan you are greatly missed and will not be forgotten.

I feel like I have been going non-stop as of late doing school stuff, looking for a job, trying to hang with people to help me feel like a human that has friends. I so want to be done with school like last month. I only have 6 weeks left, I am half way! Now I am totally ready to have a job now too!
I have to work on my project for portfolio class. I need to take a photo of a table in a kitchen or nook kin of area, with a bowl of cereal, cereal box and a figure dressed up in dark clothes for reference. My goal is to make a monster to put in place of the dark figure, eating breakfast in a real world scenario.
I really need to get cracking on this!

I have been inspired as of late by a friend in CO. She has been losing lots of weight! I feel so empowered by her. I have been eating better but I haven't really been exercising like I used to. Ever since I stop working at the yoga place, I just haven't found time or have been lazy. I have noticed that I haven't been sleeping well and not enough energy. So... after hearing about my friend success and wanting quality sleep like I have had, I went back to working out about 45mins to an hour. I do cardio for 30 mins then I act silly and dance or I lift weights or do some light yoga a teacher taught me, that would really help me out. Today, after feeding my friends cat. I had my gent drop me off in the town square so I can look for a job, and so I can have a nice walk home. Indeed it was a very nice walk home. I walked for about 70 mins today, so I am giving myself a slight break from the gym today. I am also logging my food and exercise. Why? You might ask. Well, I am not one to log or worry to much about what I eat, but this is a good way for me to remember if I ate enough or if I need to eat more! Also I am going to weigh myself weekly to see, the good, the bad, and the ok of my status. The weekly weight thing, was inspired by another friend of mine, but she hasn't posted in a while.... perhaps, after reading this I might inspire her again to continue her food blog journey and such!

Well that is all I have for now. Stay tunned! I feel I will have more very soon!